Star Wars: The Force Awakens
Directed by J.J. Abrams

My senses are heightened and butt cheeks are tightened. Here I am. Sitting alone in this nearly empty theatre of maybe ten other geeks who, like me, arrived hours early to get a good seat. It isn’t empty for long, though. It quickly turns into a packed house. As I sit, I smell something I’ve never smelled in a movie theater. I couldn’t place my finger on it, though. It’s a fowl smell. Pee? No, It isn’t pee. Although the smell of my own pee is still very much in the air. I peed twenty-one times in these pants throughout various parts of the day due to extreme anticipation. But no. This smell was not that. Surely it can’t be.. Actually  yes it is. Human shit. I’m smelling human fucking doodoo in a movie theatre. I am so excited that I skipped the urine phase of the excitement and I shat my pants. Cuz holy shit! I’m about to witness the next installment of [arguably] the biggest movie franchise in the history of film.

The build up does not coincide with the outcome. Way way waaay too much of this movie is built upon the whole nostalgia of “old Star Wars” that the movie never even takes flight as its own.

So many disappointments I don’t even know where to begin.

Psyche yes I do.

Kylo Ren. This is a villain that is supposed to stand alongside Darth Vader in regards to bad assery.  Instead this douche bag turns out to be the fucking Justin Beiber of antagonists. I mean holy shit! This dude is so soft I thought the climax of this shit was gonna ya boy K. Ren evolving to his final form as  the pills berry fucking dough boy. This dude’s shit is so weak. The whole mystery of Kylo’s evil is super short lived. Turns out he’s nothing but a little bitch boy. Kylo is definitely the worst part about The Force Awakens.

Fin has the potential to be a sick protagonist to root for, but  nope, his shit also turns out to be crap as his character development is anchored in doodoo water. The only real problem I have with Fin is his lightsaber skills. But it’s a huge problem. One minute he’s never even held one, the next minute he’s dueling mother fuckers like this shits his business. If JJ Abrams wanted Fin to be dope with a saber, fine. Make the movie fifteen minutes longer and show him being trained or some shit. He is way too  good of a fighter for no reason.

This shit has Disney written all over it. Everything’s way too light and  playful. I get it, though. It’s Star Wars. There’s gonna be cheesy little jokes or whatever. But Star Wars also has dark elements to it that Abrams does a fuck up job of addressing. I mean holy shit! This shit is so light that for a second I thought Winnie the Pooh was gonna pop up on screen talkin bout “alright tight I got a buncha honey let’s start throwing it at Kylo”- or whatever the fuck soft shit Winnie the Pooh does to his enemies.

Domhnall Gleeson is the red head most known from his role in Ex Machina, and he plays a general for the Dark Side. Why. At this point JJ Abrams is just fucking with us. My fucking pinky toe is more  menacing than the evil General this dude is DESPERATELY trying to portray. He gives a little speech to his army of storm troopers that actually might have held some substance if it wasn’t so painfully awkward.

I mean its this guy.

The World Premiere of 'About Time' - Outside Arrivals

Commanding these guys.


It just doesn’t work.

It’s not even dude’s fault. He’s a good actor and everything. He just sounds and looks like a bitch. Why the fuck did we cast General Twiggy Little Bitch Boy as the top dog over the storm troopers?

Not to mention Kylo Ren throws these weird little five year old tantrums. Like how a toddler might act stepping on a lego. Except he has a lightsaber. Thats basically Kylo in a nutshell: Fuk Boi Dark Lord 2015.

Utter disappointment. It is with a heavy heart that I ask Mr. Phoenix to direct his thumb towards the  earth, as this is a shitty movie.

You fucked us, JJ. You fucked us hard.

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