Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
Directed by Gareth Edwards

I think everyone had their speculations after episode 7 was nothing more than a hot bag of ass breath. I certainly did. But god damnit, Rogue One lays down the pipe harder than a horse’s hopped up cock overdosing on a barrel of viagra.

Felicity Jones and her two front teeth commandeer this lead role alongside the homie straight outta Mexico City, Diego Luna. I was so stoked to find out a fucking beaner was co-leading a Star Wars flick I went to the premiere dressed as a mariachi and handed out red tamales to everyone in my row. The theater may have smelled like shit but fuck it, we was eatin good.

I was a little concerned in the first act of this joint when it seemed Felicity was too tame for such a demanding role. But shut the fuck up, Fabian, she was just preparing for the latter acts for when she SHITS EVERYONE DOWN.

Diego and felicity shit so many bitches down I almost shat in my seat. And as far as not shittin em down straight from jump, it isn’t her fault, not entirely. I would say the first 45 minutes are spent scrambling for a plot that we sort of already get: “A Death Star is bout to be in this bitch”. That’s why some people may say it’s a little slow at first, but that’s only because we already know a HUGE chunk of the plot before the movie even starts. We got ants in our pubes before all the characters are even introduced. We need to chill out. And stop having pubescent bug hives.

The plot is genuine and real and dope and tight and everything a pretty girl like me could ever ask for. Really though, unlike a certain other Star Wars movie that will go unnamed (Syke I’m finna name the shit out of that Star Wars movie, it’s called The Force Awakens and I lay in bed at night thinking about how much better of a human I would be and how much cleaner my soul would feel if I had never watched it), there isn’t this awkward cacophony of scenes and lines of paying homage to past Star Wars to weigh it down. Sure, there’s two or three jabs in Rogue One that are thrown for nostalgia purposes but nothing ridiculous. Rogue One stands on its own. Plain and simple. We’re able to relish in new characters and an exciting new plot. All the while, Rogue One had a harder job than The Force Awakens. The plot for Rogue One is sandwiched in between two other plot lines, not giving much room for wiggle as far as introducing major aspects of Star Wars we don’t already know. The Force Awakens’ plot is open ended. They could have done wild shit that no one could have argued against. And still Rogue One finds a way to be way more exciting of a movie.

Rogue One ultimately gives us what TFA fails miserably at, a Star Wars movie that FEELS LIKE A STAR WARS MOVIE.

Here is what is dumb. Composer John Williams is at the heart of what makes Star Wars so epic. Without his music Star Wars wouldn’t be half of what it is. You can take that shit to the bank. I will fight anyone who wants to debate that. But for some reason Rogue One goes a little… dare I say—rogue (HAHAHA shoot me over and over until I am no longer alive) and gets this dude Michael Giacchino to compose the shit instead of John Williams. But HERES what’s dumb… GIACCHINO GOES HAM. He definitely goes harder than Williams did in The Force Awakens. I wasn’t a fan of Williams’ shit in TFA, but Giacchino came in from out the woods works and shits us down for Rogue One. I mean holy shit! So many folks are shittin other folks down that even the off camera talent be shittin bitches down! Fuck yeah! Shit em down!

Thank you god for all thy shit being down’ed upon.

And by jesus, we have an antagonist that is actually worth a shit. Ben Mendelsohn plays Director Orson Krennic. Basically it’s dude’s job to oversee the construction of the Death Star, and lemme tell ya something you should already know by now: he shits them the fuck down. Krennic don’t even fuck with the force and he still makes Kylo Ren look like a deep fried vagina lathered in panko pussy. Ben Mendelsohn plays—hands down—the most fiya Imperial Officer in all of Star Wars. Nobody even coming close to dude.

I was on the verge of giving up on Star Wars when the previews for Rogue One looked not even a little lit. I was so foolish; lost in the shadows of mistaken dads.

Gareth Edwards and squad showed up, turned up, and shit. them. down.