Directed by Ridley Scott
The Alien anthology is the best anthology ever made. The original flicks with Sigourney Weaver and the Xenomorph still keep my peepee tingling. And now that Ridley Scott is re-tracing his xenomorphic being’s steps into life, and how that ‘perfect being’ comes into fruition, my peepee has come upon that tingling sensation once again. Thank you, lord, for Ridley Scott, and thank you, O lord, for my peepee a-tinglin’.
By now we know that the android, David (M. Fassbender), is just as much a foe as the alien antagonist itself, if not more. I know this Alien movie is just following suit behind Prometheus in naming the actual movie after the ship the human crew is manning, but this shit might as well have been named Alien: David Unconscionably Shits Everyone the F Down. He shits down Doctor Shaw, he shits down the Captain of the Covenant, he shits down his android twin, Walter, and he single handedly shits down—what is presumed to be—an entire planet’s (Engineerish-ish) race. I mean holy shit! All you need to say is “Fuck me fast in the ass, Fassbender,” and I bet my guy will be there to shit you down as well.
The casting lays the very foundation as to why Alien: Covenant is deemed worthy of recognition by the greatest and critically carven movie critiquing critic, Fabi. I’m not the only one who was sad boi when that hot piece of ass, Idris Elba, left us in Prometheus, but our buttholes were blessed and tickled with as the new cast presented itself:
The ever so dadly but not quite as dadly as Forest Whitaker, Billy Crudup. The most-ridiculous-person-to-ever-cast-in-an-Alien-movie-but-everyone-loves-him-so-who-cares, Danny McBride.
The first ever Mexican allowed to venture into space, Demian Bichir,
And LOL we get hit with TWO Michael Fassbenders which is v sick.
The cast is pretty good. And although I’m not blown away by the newly appointed bad bitch, Daniels (Kit-Kat Waterston), I’m hoping she and her Bywater bangs team up with Tennessee (McBride) and the alien embryos (the ones David pukes up) in the next Alien as they fuse into some weird human/alien hybrid as a single protagonist and take down David in a clash of cinematic wonder.
Alien: Covenant is the best Alien installment since Aliens. But my shit is fucked right now.
We have the Deacon, Neomorph, Protomorph, and the O.G. Xenomorph alien. David is seen fuckin’ around in his spooky little laboratory cave constructing alien eggs (which, this is the first time we’ve even seen alien eggs, chronologically speaking), and eventually lets a facehugger loose on the fucking face of the captain. The facehugger spawns the Protomorph out of the captain, which then jumps on the Covenant and has a spooky little face-off with Daniels… here’s why my shit is fucked. What the fuck was David doing on that planet that he knew to make fucking eggs? Is David gonna be responsible for the Xenomorph? That would be kooky as hell. And how are there even eggs without a queen? Is there a queen somewhere on the planet? What in the f did David find on the planet that gave him all this knowledge of alien birthing?
David is playing a much larger in the series than I think anyone anticipated, which is fine because he is responsible for the scene that had everyone’s butthole on wet. It’s probably the scene that had my b-hole MOST wet, where he shits down that planet with the Engineers’ own weaponized black goo. It’s only about ninety seconds but the shit is lit. If David has more fucked up shit like this up his sleeve, then I’m all ‘bout him playing this larger role that Ridley Scott has bestowed upon him.
Alien: Covenant is most definitely gettin hit with a Joaquin Phoenix thumbs up. Right up the fucking butthole.